You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
