the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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