You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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