I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize