you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize