i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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