I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
