my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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