I should be sponsored by Trojan
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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