quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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