i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
