Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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