There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
