My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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