there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i will never coherently bang her
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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