He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
