Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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