so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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