Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
