My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
