it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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