You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
