You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I am naked and annoyed.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
