I want to have your abortion
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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