I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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