I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
