I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
