If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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