My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
