I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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