Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
