i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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