You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
