Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
