I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
