420 ftw
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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