Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize