Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
