Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
