I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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