If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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