last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
