I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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