Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i think i just lost a toe
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
