Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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