You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my being single is dangerous.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
