Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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