We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
