shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
