Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
