Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize