Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize