atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
