Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
