your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
