I'm eating all of the evidence.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
