Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
