i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize